Sunday, March 13, 2011

Rest assured...

...I have NOT fallen off the face of the earth, thank God. I've just slipped. ;)

I know, where in the world has this writer gone to, especially before Lent? Doesn't she owe you a post? Yes, I do owe you a post. In fact, I'll give you this one long post!

I'll spare you on the details, but things in life have been changing. A lot. Besides the annoying teenager hormones and my siblings who are almost ALL taller than me (except for one...) and the war with acne finally subsiding, of course.

It's mostly about growing up, that's been 'up' lately. I know, all of the above were about growing up...but...ok, read at little bit more and you'll find out.

First of all, it just hit me that I AM a teenager. girl. With a face and some sort of aura God created me to have, and that eventually, a boy or two...or five...will notice. Scary thought, ya? I totally agree. I say I need a frying pan or two to keep those buggies away.
Okay, I didn't mean that seriously (well...maybe a little... :P ;) ), I DO have some really nice friends who are guys. Yes, they all ARE scary, immature, and childish at times, but it took me a while to realize they're just little boys...with big hearts.
And NO, I know what you're thinking, but no. Miss CT is not planning on dating anytime soon, noooo sireee... Like I said, rest assured. I believe that those kind of relationships should first and foremost be built upon Christ's holy and pure love, as we build our friendship as true brothers and sisters - whether we feel any 'feelings' or not, or whether things would work out the way we think they will or not. That goes for every kind of relationship. You just need to make sure it's firm and strongly built, not on sand, but on a nice sturdy Rock. But I'm not going further there, (unless you want me to) so please bear with me as I hop onto the next paragraph.
So there you have it. I'm being chased around by boys - a position I have never thought of being pulled into... I know that's very un-girly of me, but I assure you that I am not even close to an average Catholic teenage girl. (Weird, huh? It's like I see romance as the worst thing that could ever happen to me! lol. But no, it's definitely not worst thing that could happen to me, it just may not be for me yet.) The situation used to bother me a lot. Not much these days. It's not the fact that I am being chased around that bothers me the most, it's the horrid fact that when I give them a 'no', they break...and so do I.
The first time happened a couple of years ago - a total bolt from the blue. He was a friend from Church, and I didn't know him that well. When I realized of the drama he was asking of me, I was totally dazed. Just by the thought of that 'boyfriend/girlfriend' relationship, I felt sick and ruined. I never wanted anyone to like me in that way. ...So obviously, nothing ever came out of it. It hurt my friend for a while, but he's alright now. But that was the first time. Now it's like I have every guy I know under suspicion of 'chasing me'.

So let me fast-forward to last month. I had been completely devastated over this fact that bore the question: How far am I supposed to go to love people??
I don't want to boys to keep falling for me, only for them to go away with a broken heart. Of course, I guard my heart pretty well - I'm definitely not an easy fish to catch, as they have learned very well. I asked myself, did/am I doing something wrong?? I put up more 'walls'. But they follow me anyway. I was disgusted with myself. Felt like the only person who hated me, was me. And if you haven't guessed yet, I DO care for my guy friends, whether they want to chase me or not. It's just that the matter is so fragile and complicated...I don't want to be the one to cause the pain. I know and knew what St. Paul was saying 'Love is patient, Love is kind...' And I do want to potray that perfect love with all my heart to everyone, (as everbody should desire that! I hope.) but... How far should I go before somebody's heart breaks? If not theirs, what about mine? Can't I be a better friend and spare everybody of wasted pain?

I decided to pray on this at an Adoration night...
And I got my answer.

"Love until it hurts."
Me: Whaaaat? That doesn't help at all. Love 'til it hurts - how do you do that???
Then I raise my eyes from the Eucharist and freeze at it rests on my Lover hanging on the Cross.
I was all, "Ohh." (*buries face in arms*)
'Love until it hurts'... I had missed one important part of St. Paul's definition of love: Love endures all things.

...I'll end that part of this post there. But before I go on...
Um, honestly? Right now, I'm still wrapping my mind around that. I feel more assured and confident about matter, but not 100%. Really, if we were 100% ok about everything - sure things would be a lot easier - but life would be so boring, don't you agree?! It's testing that faith, hope, and love that bring out the beautiful things in life.

Anyway. I do suppose I owe you a post on Lent.
Now, I've said a lot about Lent before in the past, so I don't want to repeat myself here... But here's something that I've gotten out of Lent so far.
One of my resolutions was to give up my extra computer time. Yes, facebook too. But I didn't say I was giving up facebook entirely.
Why? Not just because some of my friends aren't giving up facebook. I had decided on using facebook to reach out to my friends in need, in whatever distress or problems they were going through. One of my friends lost his job. Another one of my friends needed encouragement and someone to talk to. So far, it's gone pretty alright, except for the fact that facebook has some pretty nasty glitches that make me miss messages... :P
Anyways. Besides that, I realized that without all that extra time to play around on facebook, 'stalk' my lovable friends and read all their posts, play with the flair apps and bejeweled games...the days suddenly got longer. I'm not kidding! I find my afternoon hours so long and empty. Especially 3-6pm. Then it hit me: What in the world do I do for 2-3 hours on facebook?? There's a lot I could do in three hours without facebook. Cook, clean, draw some saint pics, write a song, watch some VeggieTales stuff with my siblings...and well, blog.
It made me think, if we gave up something that consumes so much of our time, then what could we do to fit in those hours that would make our days so much longer and fulfilling? I find that if time feels slow, it means you do a lot in your day and get a lot out of it.

Next week we'll be halfway finished through Lent. Has time been seemingly slow for you or not? :)

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